Unopened Presents, Unfinished Lives

(Geez, I can't even type out the title of this post without tearing up)

Today, 26 Americans, 20 of them our littlest citizens, were brutally murdered when a man entered a school and opened fire.

My heart is broken and all I can think about is : How am I supposed to let go of my child and let him march off into a classroom where I can't protect him? How do I keep my kid safe when I can't BE THERE to keep him safe? One of my big fears as a parent is my child calling for me, fearfully, and not being able to answer his call. How scared those little kids must have been when a man in military gear charged into their classroom with a gun. Did they see their teacher killed? Did they call for their moms? I'm certain they did, and it haunts me.

I think about how hectic mornings are here, with Erik going to work, G and I heading to the gym (or just trying to get Erik out the door and keep the dogs and kid in.) So often mornings are rushed through in an effort to keep schedules, they're a kind of "surivival" time in my book (that and when it's time to make dinner) and I have to wonder: Were the parents of the children that were killed snippy this morning? Did the everyone get and give their hugs and kisses? My heart breaks for the mommas that didn't get their kisses this morning. I hope with all my soul that all of them did, and in their honor I hereby resolve not to take a single morning for granted from this second on.

For years, I have been a firm believer in the whole "when it's your time, it's your time" mantra (that it doesn't matter where you are, if it's your time to go, you're going. And maybe this is how I've managed to send my husband off to war 3 times and not lose my mind), but I can't wrap my mind around little kids having their lives cut short. Surely there was more that those 20 little people were supposed to do with their years. And this close to Christmas, you know there are presents under 26 Christmas trees that will go unopened. I believve in an all knowing God, but I'm having a hard time understanding that these poor families couldn't even be given a few more days to experience the happiness of Christmas morning with their littles. I know a few days wouldn't have lessened the hurt, but man oh man, I look forward to Christmas all year long now that I have a kiddo.

It has become so hard to raise a child in a world of rainbows and sunshine. I know that world doesn't really exist, but I would have liked for my child(ren) to feel that it does, just for a little while. To think they are perfectly safe, that mom will always come when called for, and where they always get to come home at night, and to open all their presents on Christmas morning. I didn't think that little world I have tried to create around my child would have to dissolve when it was time to go to kindergarten. I thought I could at least hold off until 1st grade. Man this is a silly paragraph... Point is, instead of rainbows and butterflies, my kid is going to have to learn what to do when faced with a horror like this, and I'm going to have to figure out what to teach him.

Today we had workers here to work on our chimney and they were banging on the roof ALL afternoon, which meant no napping for Little. Instead, we broke the rules (I'm a pretty strict mom), cuddled in the big bed watching Thomas the Train on my Kindle. I am brought to tears again thinking of those moms and dads who can't do that anymore. But out of this darkness, there will be light, and for me, that light is to break the rules sometimes; and today I did that very thing, and for it I got a few extra hours to hold on to my baby while praying for those who can't.

Ten Decisions

Ten decisions will shape your life. You will be aware of about five of them.
                    - Julian Casablancas

I read this quote the other day and my wheels immediately started turning. What are my ten life-changing decisions? Have I even made them yet? How many were mistakes? Do they count as mistakes if they took me down the path to where I am? There were so many possibilites, so many things that seemed like such a big deal when they were happening - break ups, failures, ending friendships, but maybe they were the little things that led to the big things.

Here's what I think a few of my ten life-shaping decisons were:

Which college I went to - I had a debate scholarship to one school and at the last minute I changed my mind about going to school there. As you might suspect, my parents were THRILLED! Haha! Okay, maybe they weren't, but they WERE supportive. And luckily I had applied to and been accepted to other schools, and I ended up at Southwestern (but only because this one had the lowest tuition rate - since it was June when I decided to attend, there was no financial aid left). Probably the best decision of my life! I made amazing friends, had ridiculously amazing experiences with those friends and as Student Body President, was able to make changes that are still positively affecting students today.

Marrying Erik/into the Military - I was never a person who needed to leave Oklahoma. Many people I've known have said they needed to "get out" (though surprisingly, few have...), but I just never did. Especially during college. I had a plan, man! I wanted to be a political consultant (I still do) and I most definitely had my foot in that door. But, life had other plans... And thank goodness! I can't imagine life if I hadn't ventured outside my "Southern Comfort Zone" (as Brad Paisley so eloquently puts it). That doesn't mean I don't miss it. It's the most incredible place to be from! But I admit, I'm glad I don't live there anymore. There is more to the world than I could have ever imagined, and I never even *wanted* to discover it! Thank you, Erik, for showing me the world! (And asking me to marry you!)

Procreating - I didn't always want to have kids. I used to really dislike kids and I'm not/I wasn't very maternal. Seriously, I never even babysat. I just thought kids were loud, dirty, germy, sassy, and some aren't even cute! But then I met my friend Carmen and got to know her sweet, well mannered kids and I realized that maybe everyone was right, maybe it really was all in the "training". And sure enough....

This is definitely an ongoing conversation in my head. Stay tuned for more posts about this!

G Reads Noah's Ark

I got G a book about Noah's Ark several months ago, and for some reasons he insists on "reading" it while I put on his PJs every night. He often reads to himself by looking at pictures, etc, but this is the only book that he reads "aloud". Here's how it goes (it is funnier if you picture him laying on the floor and me trying to get him dressed in his zip up PJ's with this book in his hands.

Page 1: Noah receiving instrcutions from God.
G says: "HI!"

Page 2: Noah starts building:
G says "Truck!!!" (All vehicles are trucks)

Page 3: Noah begins loading on the Animals
G says : "GO, GO dog!!!!"

Page 4: Animals on ark (it shows a few) and the rain coming down outside
G says "sssssssssss" (to indicate there's a snake on the page) and "Uh oh!!!" as he points to the rain

skip to the end

The bird brings an olive branch
G says "Buuuuudddd! YAYYYY!!!"

"Night night!"

Christmas Traditions

At this point in my life, I hold tightly to two Christas traditions. Prepare to have your socks knocked off, people, these are deeeeeep.

1. Champagne Friday. My in-law's have a Champagne Friday every Friday. I'm too cheap for that (though I happily partake at their house), so we only do it every month or so. Ya know, when we thinking about it far enough in advance to put it on ice. BUT we always thinking about it the day after Thanksgiving! We have bubbly and decorate our tree. We have done this every year since we got married (though twice I've done it alone, thanks to deployments).

2. And this one dates back more than just 5 years: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I can't watch it if it's not the holiday season and during the holiday season I have to watch it as much as possible. You'd think I'd be sick of it, you'd think the lustre of quoting nearly every line would wear off, you'd think it would have been ruined for me when my dad told me to pause it a few years ago so he and my mom could tell me they were getting divorced (true story), but no. I still love it. However, there's a problem. I haven't been able to find my DVD copy since we moved here. I haven't looked for it before now, but now I want it and it's not here! The only logical reason is that the movers stole it. Both my mom and Erik deem this quite unlikely, but heck, I'd steal a copy if it were necessary! (Kidding... Kind of). But luckily I don't have to. Tonight (because I can't wait for it to be on TV tomorrow...) I shall venture to WalMart and buy another copy. It is NOT Christmas until I can see "the silent majesty of a winter's morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer."

You see what I did there? It's Christmas!