Every year that May 5 comes around, I'm reminded of ten lives lost in a Chinook accident in Afghanistan. These men were brave, were strong, and were taken well before their time. Their sacrifice, and that of their family can never be forgotten.
Erik was literally RIGHT THERE as the Chinook went down. I had an idea of where he was, but as it should be when someone you love is at war, I didn't know for sure. So when media coverage began pouring in about the accident with no real details, I tried to ignore the fact that this happened around where I thought Erik would be, and put on a brave face.
I was knee-deep in college graduation parties, packing up, moving on and saying goodbye to friends who were leaving town before I was. The about two and a half days between when the media started covering the accident and when the official notifications to families were made was excruciating. Erik and I weren't married yet, so I knew his parents would get the notice before I did, and I knew from a past discussion that the plan, should Erik's life be lost, was for his mom to call my mom and my mom to come to where I was (2 hours away). So though I wasn't waiting for *that* knock on my door, I was dreading one just the same.
I went to work, I packed to move to a different apartment, but I couldn't stop thinking about the loss. Even if it wasn't Erik, it was someone. Multiple someones. Those few days drug on for years. I tried to keep busy, but I just wanted to sit with my thoughts. And my God, my friends would NOT leave me alone. We ate, we watched movies, we played cards, we drank. I hadn't told them what I was going through because...I'm not really sure why. It wasn't like me - I'm a communicator. But I'm also an avoid-er. Maybe I didn't want to speak my fears into being.
I had felt like a bit of a burden since Erik left - he'd only been gone a couple of months and I hadn't really adjusted yet. I was constantly checking my email, carrying my phone around everywhere I went - my roommate gave me a hard time sometimes, when she'd get up in the middle of the night or early in the morning and see me on my computer, frantically responding to an email I'd just received, hoping Erik would get it before he signed off since his access was so spotty, but I just assumed she didn't "get it" - how could she? So when all the invitations to do this, that or the other rolled in, I assumed my friends were just trying to cram as much togetherness into our last few days together as possible - even though many of us were staying in town, life was definitely changing, and I didn't want to regret not spending that time with them before we went our separate ways. So we went and did, while I silently prayed and begged.
Finally, I heard from Erik. He was alive, but he wasn't "okay." The loss they experienced was catastrophic. Ten lives lost in an instant, including his battalion commander.
I found out a few days later that a friend had heard about the crash on the news and rallied everyone to keep me as busy as possible until the notifications had been made (the media was predicting it was going to take days). They thought that because I hadn't brought up the accident, that somehow I didn't know, and they did their best to keep it that way. To this day, that remains one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me. A reminder that even in a dark hour, there is always someone to shine a light for you.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
I Guess I Failed Again.
Society puts so much damn pressure on breast feeding it's abhorrent.
Formula isn't poison!
Grant had to start taking formula at 4 months because he was starving. Truly. He only gained a half a pound between his 2nd and 4th month appointments. He was growing lengthwise and was already so big I didn't notice, which makes me feel even worse. But yeah. Starving. So I didn't think twice when I had to start supplementing or when he quit nursing shortly thereafter (because who wants to work extra hard to get milk from a boob, when you can barely exert any effort and get milk from a bottle). His demeanor changed dramatically, he was happy, he barely cried (whereas before I worried he might have colic). The poor child was just hungry. I felt terrible. Thank God formula existed and we could afford it! We both slept light-years better after that.
When I had Piper I really wanted to do it longer. Formula is expensive, and I'm a little crunchier than I used to be. I took all the supplements, read all the books, drank all the water on the planet - I thought we were doing well. But when Erik and I went away for the weekend while my mom was here, I had to pump and I only got about 2/3 of what the minimum that P should be eating in a day. Now I know, I know, pumps aren't as efficient as babies, but there is no way there was 10 ounces of milk left in my breasts.
So I came home and started supplementing with formula. Her constipation problems came to a screeching halt. She seems happier. She sleeps WAY more. And I can get a break from being with her 24/7 (not that I have really gotten said break, but the option is there now, at least).
But I feel guilty.
Even though I know formula was the best thing that could have happened to Grant, I was/am embarrassed to buy it for Piper. I have been a HUGE cheerleader for moms who decided to or needed to supplement (we're all just doing the best we can, right?) but still, I truly considered just chugging along, seeing if I could increase my milk supply. That's what they say, right? The cure for a low supply is to nurse more?
But here's the thing: Why does everyone automatically assume that every woman has the ability to breastfeed and that if they say they don't it's just a copout? No one automatically assumes that when you need a kidney transplant it's because you just weren't trying hard enough to get your kidney to function. It's unfair. Obviously, if I have "failed" to nurse two children past a year, I have a low supply - or some kind of milk supply related situation. Why is that impossible to the die hards? And why is that so hard for me to deal with? Since when am I such a sucker for societal pressure? I feel pretty hypocritical. Formula changed G's life. He's vibrant and healthy and brilliant! And seriously, he has NEVER been on antibiotics. He's a freakin' brick house. Why should I treat P any differently?
So eventually, 2 nursing sessions a day became one, which became pumping, which, when she hit 8 months, became full time formula consumption. I never suffered from any engorgement so I realize now how low my supply had been. But she's seriously never been happier.
Formula isn't poison!
Grant had to start taking formula at 4 months because he was starving. Truly. He only gained a half a pound between his 2nd and 4th month appointments. He was growing lengthwise and was already so big I didn't notice, which makes me feel even worse. But yeah. Starving. So I didn't think twice when I had to start supplementing or when he quit nursing shortly thereafter (because who wants to work extra hard to get milk from a boob, when you can barely exert any effort and get milk from a bottle). His demeanor changed dramatically, he was happy, he barely cried (whereas before I worried he might have colic). The poor child was just hungry. I felt terrible. Thank God formula existed and we could afford it! We both slept light-years better after that.
When I had Piper I really wanted to do it longer. Formula is expensive, and I'm a little crunchier than I used to be. I took all the supplements, read all the books, drank all the water on the planet - I thought we were doing well. But when Erik and I went away for the weekend while my mom was here, I had to pump and I only got about 2/3 of what the minimum that P should be eating in a day. Now I know, I know, pumps aren't as efficient as babies, but there is no way there was 10 ounces of milk left in my breasts.
So I came home and started supplementing with formula. Her constipation problems came to a screeching halt. She seems happier. She sleeps WAY more. And I can get a break from being with her 24/7 (not that I have really gotten said break, but the option is there now, at least).
But I feel guilty.
Even though I know formula was the best thing that could have happened to Grant, I was/am embarrassed to buy it for Piper. I have been a HUGE cheerleader for moms who decided to or needed to supplement (we're all just doing the best we can, right?) but still, I truly considered just chugging along, seeing if I could increase my milk supply. That's what they say, right? The cure for a low supply is to nurse more?
But here's the thing: Why does everyone automatically assume that every woman has the ability to breastfeed and that if they say they don't it's just a copout? No one automatically assumes that when you need a kidney transplant it's because you just weren't trying hard enough to get your kidney to function. It's unfair. Obviously, if I have "failed" to nurse two children past a year, I have a low supply - or some kind of milk supply related situation. Why is that impossible to the die hards? And why is that so hard for me to deal with? Since when am I such a sucker for societal pressure? I feel pretty hypocritical. Formula changed G's life. He's vibrant and healthy and brilliant! And seriously, he has NEVER been on antibiotics. He's a freakin' brick house. Why should I treat P any differently?
So eventually, 2 nursing sessions a day became one, which became pumping, which, when she hit 8 months, became full time formula consumption. I never suffered from any engorgement so I realize now how low my supply had been. But she's seriously never been happier.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
April Things
Let's get back to being a responsible blogger and chronicle-er of life, shall we?
So here's what happened in April:
Piper got booted out of our room. We didn't want to buy a second crib, but I finally got fed up and bought one, and then like a month later Erik found a spare 5 minutes to put it together. I thought it was going to be a rough few nights, but she has done great in there! I really think she was getting too big for the co-sleeper and would hit the sides with her arms and wake up (she finally stopped requiring a swaddle to sleep this month, too!)
And she started rolling. We had grandmas here for 2 weeks in late-March early-April and they took it upon themselves to put her through rolling boot camp. She's a pro now.
She also stopped nursing.
We went to Bismarck for Easter where G got to sit on his Great Uncle Jim's motorcycle. AND meet his extended family on Erik's side.
G participated in Crazy Hair day at school, and I found out from Erik that I don't know a dang thing about spiking hair, but apparently he does. Which seemed foreign to me, but I guess that's because I've only known "Army" Erik.
This happened in the 4Runner.
I discovered that having the great big washer and dryer is only helpful when it's time to wash the clothes. It makes folding them about 10x more daunting. This is two loads, people.
G got to wear shorts. Once.
It was warm-ish, so we did chalks outside. This is what G asked me to draw:
It snowed a few days later.
"This is my facebook." -G.
G (as I'm feeding P some avocado): Mom, can I have some of Pipey's taco?
S: What? Oh. No, it's her supper.
G: Oh. Can I just lick off what's on her face, then? It's just extra.
Erik to Grant: What's for supper?
G: ....
S: You know what we're having! You just told Grandma Pat. What did you tell her I was making?
G: Oh! We having scraps.
"Can you take a picture of me and the Earth getting a drink together?"
G: What's a knight?
S: Do you mean person knight or bedtime night?
G: Person knight.
S: Knights were soldiers back in the time of kings and queens.
G: Oh, so like during Shrek.
S: I guess, but you know Shrek isn't real, right?
G: ....
So here's what happened in April:
Piper got booted out of our room. We didn't want to buy a second crib, but I finally got fed up and bought one, and then like a month later Erik found a spare 5 minutes to put it together. I thought it was going to be a rough few nights, but she has done great in there! I really think she was getting too big for the co-sleeper and would hit the sides with her arms and wake up (she finally stopped requiring a swaddle to sleep this month, too!)
And she started rolling. We had grandmas here for 2 weeks in late-March early-April and they took it upon themselves to put her through rolling boot camp. She's a pro now.
She also stopped nursing.
We went to Bismarck for Easter where G got to sit on his Great Uncle Jim's motorcycle. AND meet his extended family on Erik's side.
G participated in Crazy Hair day at school, and I found out from Erik that I don't know a dang thing about spiking hair, but apparently he does. Which seemed foreign to me, but I guess that's because I've only known "Army" Erik.
This happened in the 4Runner.G got to wear shorts. Once.
It was warm-ish, so we did chalks outside. This is what G asked me to draw:
It snowed a few days later.
"This is my facebook." -G.
G (as I'm feeding P some avocado): Mom, can I have some of Pipey's taco?
S: What? Oh. No, it's her supper.
G: Oh. Can I just lick off what's on her face, then? It's just extra.
Erik to Grant: What's for supper?
G: ....
S: You know what we're having! You just told Grandma Pat. What did you tell her I was making?
G: Oh! We having scraps.
"Can you take a picture of me and the Earth getting a drink together?"
G: What's a knight?
S: Do you mean person knight or bedtime night?
G: Person knight.
S: Knights were soldiers back in the time of kings and queens.
G: Oh, so like during Shrek.
S: I guess, but you know Shrek isn't real, right?
G: ....
This has become downright tropical.
These two started taking baths together which makes my life infinitely easier!
This happened.
Love this kid!
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Wine and Mustaches
Last weekend the kids and I packed up everything we own (because that's what you travel with when you have kids) and chucked it 4.5 hours north to Ft. Drum, NY to visit my best friend Mandy and her little boy. Except the trip took 6 hours because my phone lost signal (IE my GPS died) right in the middle of the trip and we ventured up some desolate county road for half an hour before I decided we were going East when we should be going North, and then instead of going through Rochester we meandered around the Finger Lakes region. The proverbial wheels came off about 45 minutes from Mandy's - so if I had just stayed on course, things would have gone super well. But we got there! And it was my first road trip with both kids so I felt pretty super mom-esque because I'm pretty sure I only yelled once. Everyone (well, I didn't, but everyone else) managed to pee themselves and get their pants all wet, but damn it, we made it. I guess I don't sound so super mom-y after all...
Anyway, we ventured up there for her sweet baby's first birthday - but really, any excuse to get together is good enough for us! Erik couldn't join us because he had to work, and Mandy's husband is deployed, so it turned in to a nice girls (and kids) weekend. We both firmly believe in early bed times for kids, so after about 7:30PM we were able to take our mom hats off and put our friend hats on (and wine in our glasses, of course!). It is so awesome to catch up with a good friend - someone who is so much like you that you can absolutely let it all hang out. Is there anything more refreshing? Also, if you don't have a friend that has a Masters Degree in early childhood related business, you need to think about getting one. There is NO ONE better to bounce child raising ideas off of. I have two of them, and you can't have either of them, but I'm telling you - it's awesome!
As I said, we were there to celebrate a birthday, but we also managed to squeeze in a Target run (we don't have one out here in the sticks), and P cut her first TWO teeth! Although, to be honest, that was less than exciting when you consider that the three of us were sharing a room and teething is... loud... and cranky... And managed to happen the night before we were supposed to drive home, so I felt certain I was going to fall asleep at the wheel and we'd all go up in flames. Thank you to God and caffeine for allowing us to avoid that fate! So yeah, teeth, a birthday and Target are pretty much all we did - and it was still awesome! You know you have a good friend when you're content to just be in each others company without a lot of other commotion.
I really like how my last two posts have been about sweet friends. I'm lucky.
Oh, and on the way home we stopped at Wegmans. And if you know Wegmans, you know that was the icing on the freaking cake!
Anyway, we ventured up there for her sweet baby's first birthday - but really, any excuse to get together is good enough for us! Erik couldn't join us because he had to work, and Mandy's husband is deployed, so it turned in to a nice girls (and kids) weekend. We both firmly believe in early bed times for kids, so after about 7:30PM we were able to take our mom hats off and put our friend hats on (and wine in our glasses, of course!). It is so awesome to catch up with a good friend - someone who is so much like you that you can absolutely let it all hang out. Is there anything more refreshing? Also, if you don't have a friend that has a Masters Degree in early childhood related business, you need to think about getting one. There is NO ONE better to bounce child raising ideas off of. I have two of them, and you can't have either of them, but I'm telling you - it's awesome!
As I said, we were there to celebrate a birthday, but we also managed to squeeze in a Target run (we don't have one out here in the sticks), and P cut her first TWO teeth! Although, to be honest, that was less than exciting when you consider that the three of us were sharing a room and teething is... loud... and cranky... And managed to happen the night before we were supposed to drive home, so I felt certain I was going to fall asleep at the wheel and we'd all go up in flames. Thank you to God and caffeine for allowing us to avoid that fate! So yeah, teeth, a birthday and Target are pretty much all we did - and it was still awesome! You know you have a good friend when you're content to just be in each others company without a lot of other commotion.
I really like how my last two posts have been about sweet friends. I'm lucky.
Oh, and on the way home we stopped at Wegmans. And if you know Wegmans, you know that was the icing on the freaking cake!
 |
| Celebrating W's Moustache Bash! |
 |
| She stuck this in her mouth shortly after and I didn't notice (it was on the table next to us). Mandy probably saved her life by fishing it out. |
 |
| They LOVE each other, so riding in this cart together was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to them. Seriously, Wegmans is good for EVERYONE! Too bad they couldn't be bothered to look at the camera at the same time. |
Friday, May 2, 2014
Sweet Freddi
When I was in high school my family hosted an exchange student from Australia. It was such an awesome experience to learn about her culture, try the crazy foods her family sent (Vegemite! UGH!), and to get to know someone so different but so similar to myself. And even more incredible than that, we've been able to watch each others families grow and change through the wonders of the internet. The world has never seemed bigger nor has it seemed smaller than it does as I write this.
Another of the unexpected benefits to hosting a student is all the gatherings of other "local" exchange students and their families. I got to know people my age from all over the globe, and one of them was my sweet friend Freddi. She and I have managed to keep in touch over the years (I'm a terrible long distance communicator!) through letters, emails, and Facebook. Sometimes I can't believe I have such a precious friend born from such a short time in our lives. And born from a time when there were no digital cameras and I can't find my stinking photos of us together!
Anyway, a few months ago (because I'm that far behind!) a box showed up on my porch with some customs slips and "Merry Christmas!" written on it. Erik brought it in rather confused looking - it was February after all.
I opened it to find all kinds of (ridiculously delicious) German treats and some handmade gifts from my sweet German friend! She took the time to hand make items for Erik, myself, and two stuffed ducks for the kids (her first sewing projects!!). It was such a sweet, thoughtful gift - and since it took so stinking long to get here, the toys didn't get lost in the new toy shuffle of Christmas!
Grant latched on to his duck immediately, insisting that it go in his crib with him. The thing about him though is that he likes to have a ton of stuffies in his bed with him, but they all have to stay at the foot - he doesn't want to cuddle with them.
The other day when we went to Ft. Drum to visit another friend, he asked to bring his duckie along, and he's been snuggling with it when he sleeps ever since! I think he knows the love that went in to it!
I am so lucky to have such a thoughtful friend in my life! Thank you Freddi, for being incredible to me and to my family! I love you!
Another of the unexpected benefits to hosting a student is all the gatherings of other "local" exchange students and their families. I got to know people my age from all over the globe, and one of them was my sweet friend Freddi. She and I have managed to keep in touch over the years (I'm a terrible long distance communicator!) through letters, emails, and Facebook. Sometimes I can't believe I have such a precious friend born from such a short time in our lives. And born from a time when there were no digital cameras and I can't find my stinking photos of us together!
Anyway, a few months ago (because I'm that far behind!) a box showed up on my porch with some customs slips and "Merry Christmas!" written on it. Erik brought it in rather confused looking - it was February after all.
 |
| That egg shaped thing toward the bottom there? That's the best thing that ever happened to me. It's a chocolate egg WITH a toy inside! |
I opened it to find all kinds of (ridiculously delicious) German treats and some handmade gifts from my sweet German friend! She took the time to hand make items for Erik, myself, and two stuffed ducks for the kids (her first sewing projects!!). It was such a sweet, thoughtful gift - and since it took so stinking long to get here, the toys didn't get lost in the new toy shuffle of Christmas!
Grant latched on to his duck immediately, insisting that it go in his crib with him. The thing about him though is that he likes to have a ton of stuffies in his bed with him, but they all have to stay at the foot - he doesn't want to cuddle with them.
 |
| He moves too much. Notice P flapping her duckie beside him. |
The other day when we went to Ft. Drum to visit another friend, he asked to bring his duckie along, and he's been snuggling with it when he sleeps ever since! I think he knows the love that went in to it!
I am so lucky to have such a thoughtful friend in my life! Thank you Freddi, for being incredible to me and to my family! I love you!
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