I Guess I Failed Again.

Society puts so much damn pressure on breast feeding it's abhorrent.

Formula isn't poison!

Grant had to start taking formula at 4 months because he was starving. Truly. He only gained a half a pound between his 2nd and 4th month appointments. He was growing lengthwise and was already so big I didn't notice, which makes me feel even worse. But yeah. Starving. So I didn't think twice when I had to start supplementing or when he quit nursing shortly thereafter (because who wants to work extra hard to get milk from a boob, when you can barely exert any effort and get milk from a bottle). His demeanor changed dramatically, he was happy, he barely cried (whereas before I worried he might have colic). The poor child was just hungry. I felt terrible. Thank God formula existed and we could afford it! We both slept light-years better after that.

When I had Piper I really wanted to do it longer. Formula is expensive, and I'm a little crunchier than I used to be. I took all the supplements, read all the books, drank all the water on the planet - I thought we were doing well. But when Erik and I went away for the weekend while my mom was here, I had to pump and I only got about 2/3 of what the minimum that P should be eating in a day. Now I know, I know, pumps aren't as efficient as babies, but there is no way there was 10 ounces of milk left in my breasts.

So I came home and started supplementing with formula. Her constipation problems came to a screeching halt. She seems happier. She sleeps WAY more. And I can get a break from being with her 24/7 (not that I have really gotten said break, but the option is there now, at least).

But I feel guilty.

Even though I know formula was the best thing that could have happened to Grant, I was/am embarrassed to buy it for Piper. I have been a HUGE cheerleader for moms who decided to or needed to supplement (we're all just doing the best we can, right?) but still, I truly considered just chugging along, seeing if I could increase my milk supply. That's what they say, right? The cure for a low supply is to nurse more?

But here's the thing: Why does everyone automatically assume that every woman has the ability to breastfeed and that if they say they don't it's just a copout? No one automatically assumes that when you need a kidney transplant it's because you just weren't trying hard enough to get your kidney to function. It's unfair. Obviously, if I have "failed" to nurse two children past a year, I have a low supply - or some kind of milk supply related situation. Why is that impossible to the die hards? And why is that so hard for me to deal with? Since when am I such a sucker for societal pressure? I feel pretty hypocritical. Formula changed G's life. He's vibrant and healthy and brilliant! And seriously, he has NEVER been on antibiotics. He's a freakin' brick house. Why should I treat P any differently?

So eventually, 2 nursing sessions a day became one, which became pumping, which, when she hit 8 months, became full time formula consumption. I never suffered from any engorgement so I realize now how low my supply had been. But she's seriously never been happier.