“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
~E.E. Cummings
Monday, January 28, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Letter to 16-Year Old Sheena
Hi,
Listen, you really need to get those speeding tickets under control. In a few years, you are going to find yourself getting pulled over in a small town on your way to pay a speeding ticket that you got in that very spot a few weeks earlier. It is embarrassing when you ask the cop doing the pulling over for directions to pay your other ticket. He does not take pity on you, either.
Also, I don't care what anyone says, these are not the best years of your life. Senior year is fun and all, but the best years are college, and chances are high that the people who truly believe their high school years were the best have peaked.
That boy you think is the greatest thing since sliced cheese, the one you can't imagine NOT knowing for the rest of your life - well, you will. But it's not in the way you think. When you break up, don't burn the bridge - you'll be friends for over decade more (I can only speak to age 28 at this point). Also, the boy you come quite close to marrying later is NOT the boy you should marry. And you need to thank your lucky stars that you figured it out sooner rather than later. Learn the lessons that every girl learns after she gets cheated on (like which cocktails are her favorite) and burn that bridge as quickly as you can. When you do, the boy you ARE going to marry walks right through your door - before you even know you're ready.
I know you won't listen, but your first year of college would have been a lot more exciting if you had dumped the aforementioned crappy boyfriend. But don't worry, you more than make up for it during your second. During your third year of college, you find yourself (for awhile) and your life-long friends. And while we're on this topic : get your masters right after college. You'll think you don't have time because you're getting married in the spring, but as fate would have it - you DO have time. And you still get married.
Sadly, you're going to lose someone earlier than you could have ever anticipated. When you move far away from everyone, don't neglect going home because it's too costly. Go happily. Go often. You'll need it later, and you'll be sorry if you don't.
When you start to think about getting a second dog - don't. Seriously. Don't.
Above all, and this is pretty callous, but stop worrying so damn much about people's feelings. The sad truth is that you spend more time on theirs than they (generally) spend on yours.
Love,
You
PS - Your kid is stinking adorable.
Listen, you really need to get those speeding tickets under control. In a few years, you are going to find yourself getting pulled over in a small town on your way to pay a speeding ticket that you got in that very spot a few weeks earlier. It is embarrassing when you ask the cop doing the pulling over for directions to pay your other ticket. He does not take pity on you, either.
Also, I don't care what anyone says, these are not the best years of your life. Senior year is fun and all, but the best years are college, and chances are high that the people who truly believe their high school years were the best have peaked.
That boy you think is the greatest thing since sliced cheese, the one you can't imagine NOT knowing for the rest of your life - well, you will. But it's not in the way you think. When you break up, don't burn the bridge - you'll be friends for over decade more (I can only speak to age 28 at this point). Also, the boy you come quite close to marrying later is NOT the boy you should marry. And you need to thank your lucky stars that you figured it out sooner rather than later. Learn the lessons that every girl learns after she gets cheated on (like which cocktails are her favorite) and burn that bridge as quickly as you can. When you do, the boy you ARE going to marry walks right through your door - before you even know you're ready.
I know you won't listen, but your first year of college would have been a lot more exciting if you had dumped the aforementioned crappy boyfriend. But don't worry, you more than make up for it during your second. During your third year of college, you find yourself (for awhile) and your life-long friends. And while we're on this topic : get your masters right after college. You'll think you don't have time because you're getting married in the spring, but as fate would have it - you DO have time. And you still get married.
Sadly, you're going to lose someone earlier than you could have ever anticipated. When you move far away from everyone, don't neglect going home because it's too costly. Go happily. Go often. You'll need it later, and you'll be sorry if you don't.
When you start to think about getting a second dog - don't. Seriously. Don't.
Above all, and this is pretty callous, but stop worrying so damn much about people's feelings. The sad truth is that you spend more time on theirs than they (generally) spend on yours.
Love,
You
PS - Your kid is stinking adorable.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
My Kid Rocks
Okay, if you don't want to read a gushy mommy post, you better just close the browser.
On Wednesdays I take G to a music class in the next (big) town over. The kids sing, dance, play instruments, it's super awesome.
Anyway, today we sang a song about greeting your neighbor and danged if my kid didn't go right to the new girl to greet her. She left him hanging though, so he went around the circle to every mom in the room and shook their hand. Not at all intimidated by the fact they're 3x his size and complete strangers (we've only been to the class a couple of times). And when it's time to dance, he dances right out into the center of the circle and gets all the kids involved with his stomping, hopping, skipping and galloping around. He always says "shank shoo" when given an instrument AND when he takes it back for clean up, he says "hi" when we walk in, and a great big "bbbbyyyeeeee!" when we leave. He's the cutest kid in the class (not that I'm partial), and gosh darn it, people like him!
But seriously, I just can't believe what a charismatic little person he is. I don't know where he gets it from - Erik and I *can* be that way, but it's not innate in us the way it so clearly is in him. My friend Mandy once said he's going to be the President someday, and man oh man, I'm starting to think she might be right - that kid can work a room.
I was worried what having only one parent around for his first year would do to him. Especially since he was a boy missing his dad. But he's all boy, trucks, cars, animals, you name it, he loves it. And he's got the confidence of... well... I don't even know what to put here. But he's got more confidence than most adults I know, that's for sure!
I'd like to think *I* did something right, but I'm not so sure. Sometimes I think little people are just born with old souls - and I guess maybe G is one of them.
On Wednesdays I take G to a music class in the next (big) town over. The kids sing, dance, play instruments, it's super awesome.
Anyway, today we sang a song about greeting your neighbor and danged if my kid didn't go right to the new girl to greet her. She left him hanging though, so he went around the circle to every mom in the room and shook their hand. Not at all intimidated by the fact they're 3x his size and complete strangers (we've only been to the class a couple of times). And when it's time to dance, he dances right out into the center of the circle and gets all the kids involved with his stomping, hopping, skipping and galloping around. He always says "shank shoo" when given an instrument AND when he takes it back for clean up, he says "hi" when we walk in, and a great big "bbbbyyyeeeee!" when we leave. He's the cutest kid in the class (not that I'm partial), and gosh darn it, people like him!
But seriously, I just can't believe what a charismatic little person he is. I don't know where he gets it from - Erik and I *can* be that way, but it's not innate in us the way it so clearly is in him. My friend Mandy once said he's going to be the President someday, and man oh man, I'm starting to think she might be right - that kid can work a room.
I was worried what having only one parent around for his first year would do to him. Especially since he was a boy missing his dad. But he's all boy, trucks, cars, animals, you name it, he loves it. And he's got the confidence of... well... I don't even know what to put here. But he's got more confidence than most adults I know, that's for sure!
I'd like to think *I* did something right, but I'm not so sure. Sometimes I think little people are just born with old souls - and I guess maybe G is one of them.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Things You Should Know About Me if We're Going to be BFF
1. I do not pee in front of my husband. In fact, I struggle to pee if I know someone can hear me.
2. When I was little I had a desperate urge to work at the grocery store near my house. Later, it was indeed my first job, and was far less glamorous than anticipated.
3. If I don't wash my hair every day it gets greasy enough to make dreads.
4. My dryer is my iron. If that doesn't do the job, I will just wear something else.
5. I desperately wish I was one of those people who liked the vacuum lines enough to sweeper every day. I mean, I like them, but...
6. And along those lines: I LOVE having a clean house, but not enough that I clean it more than is necessary.
7. I have laundry amnesia. I put it in and forget about it for days. This was super gross in HI.
8. If I'm going up stairs and there are more than 3, I can't fight the urge to count them. I know exactly how many stairs are in my house. (39, if you were curious.)
9. I try really hard to curb my natural tendency to be a "bitcher". A "bitcher" to me is someone who sees only the negative - even their humor has a negative tone to it.
10. I got married at 23. Judging from the ages most of my high school classmates got married, I was pretty much an old maid.
11. Someday soon, you are probably going to have to nominate me for an episode of What Not To Wear. Please act quickly.
12. I don't hand wash anything. If it's a dish that I'm supposed to wash, it goes on the top rack until it breaks (which by the way has only happened with a Melamine kids plate that cost me $1). If it's a garment, I don't buy it.
13. I'd crawl over glass for someone, but only if I know they'd do it for me.
14. I don't like blue food, raspberries or the square patties at Wendys. I do really like beer though.
15. And Kendall Jackson Chardonnay
2. When I was little I had a desperate urge to work at the grocery store near my house. Later, it was indeed my first job, and was far less glamorous than anticipated.
3. If I don't wash my hair every day it gets greasy enough to make dreads.
4. My dryer is my iron. If that doesn't do the job, I will just wear something else.
5. I desperately wish I was one of those people who liked the vacuum lines enough to sweeper every day. I mean, I like them, but...
6. And along those lines: I LOVE having a clean house, but not enough that I clean it more than is necessary.
7. I have laundry amnesia. I put it in and forget about it for days. This was super gross in HI.
8. If I'm going up stairs and there are more than 3, I can't fight the urge to count them. I know exactly how many stairs are in my house. (39, if you were curious.)
9. I try really hard to curb my natural tendency to be a "bitcher". A "bitcher" to me is someone who sees only the negative - even their humor has a negative tone to it.
10. I got married at 23. Judging from the ages most of my high school classmates got married, I was pretty much an old maid.
11. Someday soon, you are probably going to have to nominate me for an episode of What Not To Wear. Please act quickly.
12. I don't hand wash anything. If it's a dish that I'm supposed to wash, it goes on the top rack until it breaks (which by the way has only happened with a Melamine kids plate that cost me $1). If it's a garment, I don't buy it.
13. I'd crawl over glass for someone, but only if I know they'd do it for me.
14. I don't like blue food, raspberries or the square patties at Wendys. I do really like beer though.
15. And Kendall Jackson Chardonnay
Friday, January 18, 2013
I Lost a Year Today
The other day, a friend was talking about how she'll be 30 this year, and I started to think about all the things I thought I'd have done by the time I turned 30. "Whew," I thought "I have two more years to take a big-ass bite out of something."
But then it occurred to me. I have like 14 months. I *know* I'm 28, but for some reason, I also thought I'd be turning 28 this year. Imagine my surprise when I figured out I'm turning 29 this year. 29. The last year of my twenties. And seriously, WHAT have I done? I'm going to need to accomplish something big this year.
Erik says I have these crises before every major life event. "I'm getting married already, and I've done NOTHING with my life!", "It's time to have a baby? I quit my job?! And I've accomplished NOTHING I set out to!" "We've already been married for FIVE years?! And what?! NOTHING!!!! Where the hell are our lives going?" I guess he's right... You should have seen me the day I turned twenty. I literally had a quarter-life crisis. What did NOT help was that the guy I was dating (who was 2 months younger), gave me a card about how my life was 25% behind me. That's pretty much the only thing I remember about that guy. Go figure...
Sometimes I think I have absolutely wasted my life thus far. I've done things I'm proud of, but not the things I thought I was built for. Where's that Juris doctorate, Sheena? Where's the job at the consulting firm? Un-reaped are the benefits of countless hours volunteering for and running political campaigns in order to get my foot in the door of Senator X or Representative Y. Un-pulled are the strings I once had within the party headquarters. Un-taken are the job offers, un-cashed are the pay checks (that would have likely been as menial as those earned working in human service, but in my mind make me independently wealthy).
And then, of course, I think about this little person in my charge. The charismatic, well behaved, smarter than most, spunky little boy that I somehow managed to raise solely for the first year of his life and not accidentally decapitate him; and I have to wonder if maybe my life-long mission was wrong. I seem to be doing something right here, so maybe right now my mission is supposed to be to raise a well rounded individual, then THEN find myself. Because I have to tell you, I've been looking for myself everywhere, and for as long as I can remember, and am no closer to figuring out where the hell I am.
To clarify, I don't regret being a stay at home mom, it's absolutely the right decision for our family right now, and I made it for myself; but I have to admit: I know no greater humiliation than when someone says "I'm working on my PhD, what do you do?" "Oh, me? I stay home and serve 3 meals and two snacks a day, and live my life knee deep in someone else's poop." I know some people are meant for this, and God I wish I was one of them. I do not judge those people (though the tone of this post may indicate otherwise) - in fact, I truly, madly, deeply envy them.
I'll tell you why I'm not one of them, though: my mom wasn't. And she takes every chance she gets to tell me I should get a job, or ask when I'm going to go back to school, or work, or whatever. I 'spose it could be those tuition payments talking, or her knowledge that try as I might, I'm just not one of those people I envy, but I definitely know she doesn't approve of my staying home. But I wonder, even if you are the most accomplished person on the planet, if you screwed up raising your kids, what do you have? A boat-load of heartache if you ask me.
So anyway, I have something like 14 months and 2 weeks to get SOMETHING done before I'm thirty. I'm taking suggestions.
Wait! Seriously, I just had an epiphany. Honestly, just as I've been typing out the less than funny, less than historical post I had a light bulb moment. Ready?
My whole life I've had a very intense fear. Not of spiders, not of heights, but of childbirth. The thought of a person ripping from my body (yeah, it's graphic, but that's the point) has always terrified the bajesus out of me. So I suppose I could say that in my late in my 26th year of life, I looked my greatest fear in the face and and bitch slapped that beast, even without the aid a working epidural.
Whew! I have done something! Blogging is cathartic.
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think have ended up where I intended to be"
-Douglas Adams
But then it occurred to me. I have like 14 months. I *know* I'm 28, but for some reason, I also thought I'd be turning 28 this year. Imagine my surprise when I figured out I'm turning 29 this year. 29. The last year of my twenties. And seriously, WHAT have I done? I'm going to need to accomplish something big this year.
Erik says I have these crises before every major life event. "I'm getting married already, and I've done NOTHING with my life!", "It's time to have a baby? I quit my job?! And I've accomplished NOTHING I set out to!" "We've already been married for FIVE years?! And what?! NOTHING!!!! Where the hell are our lives going?" I guess he's right... You should have seen me the day I turned twenty. I literally had a quarter-life crisis. What did NOT help was that the guy I was dating (who was 2 months younger), gave me a card about how my life was 25% behind me. That's pretty much the only thing I remember about that guy. Go figure...
Sometimes I think I have absolutely wasted my life thus far. I've done things I'm proud of, but not the things I thought I was built for. Where's that Juris doctorate, Sheena? Where's the job at the consulting firm? Un-reaped are the benefits of countless hours volunteering for and running political campaigns in order to get my foot in the door of Senator X or Representative Y. Un-pulled are the strings I once had within the party headquarters. Un-taken are the job offers, un-cashed are the pay checks (that would have likely been as menial as those earned working in human service, but in my mind make me independently wealthy).
And then, of course, I think about this little person in my charge. The charismatic, well behaved, smarter than most, spunky little boy that I somehow managed to raise solely for the first year of his life and not accidentally decapitate him; and I have to wonder if maybe my life-long mission was wrong. I seem to be doing something right here, so maybe right now my mission is supposed to be to raise a well rounded individual, then THEN find myself. Because I have to tell you, I've been looking for myself everywhere, and for as long as I can remember, and am no closer to figuring out where the hell I am.
To clarify, I don't regret being a stay at home mom, it's absolutely the right decision for our family right now, and I made it for myself; but I have to admit: I know no greater humiliation than when someone says "I'm working on my PhD, what do you do?" "Oh, me? I stay home and serve 3 meals and two snacks a day, and live my life knee deep in someone else's poop." I know some people are meant for this, and God I wish I was one of them. I do not judge those people (though the tone of this post may indicate otherwise) - in fact, I truly, madly, deeply envy them.
I'll tell you why I'm not one of them, though: my mom wasn't. And she takes every chance she gets to tell me I should get a job, or ask when I'm going to go back to school, or work, or whatever. I 'spose it could be those tuition payments talking, or her knowledge that try as I might, I'm just not one of those people I envy, but I definitely know she doesn't approve of my staying home. But I wonder, even if you are the most accomplished person on the planet, if you screwed up raising your kids, what do you have? A boat-load of heartache if you ask me.
So anyway, I have something like 14 months and 2 weeks to get SOMETHING done before I'm thirty. I'm taking suggestions.
Wait! Seriously, I just had an epiphany. Honestly, just as I've been typing out the less than funny, less than historical post I had a light bulb moment. Ready?
My whole life I've had a very intense fear. Not of spiders, not of heights, but of childbirth. The thought of a person ripping from my body (yeah, it's graphic, but that's the point) has always terrified the bajesus out of me. So I suppose I could say that in my late in my 26th year of life, I looked my greatest fear in the face and and bitch slapped that beast, even without the aid a working epidural.
Whew! I have done something! Blogging is cathartic.
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think have ended up where I intended to be"
-Douglas Adams
Thursday, January 17, 2013
G Turns Two
I wanted to take some time to profile G on here on his birthday, but as we discussed, I fell behind. So here we are, a few days late, but profiling just the same!
It's hard to believe that my sweet little G is already two! It seems like only yesterday he came screaming into my life. (Wait, pretty sure those screams were mine. Kidding. There was - remarkably - no screaming from anyone except the L&D nurse who was bound and damn determined to have me push out that 9.7 lb Thanksgiving turkey in 1 hour flat; though to her credit, she stayed late after her shift until the job was done.)
His short, but big life has been a whirlwind. He's traveled, he said goodbyes, he said hellos, he traveled some more. The kid has been to like 17 states or something insane like that - I think I was about 20 before I hit that mark. And 3 Hawaiian islands, of course, and I was WAYY older than 20 when I checked that block.
So for his birthday, or a few days late as it were, I was planning to offer up the 2 supremely awesome things about little G. Once I got here though, I realized I can't narrow it down to just two; but for the sake of my newly acquired readers (hey guys!), I decided I'll cap it at 5.
1. This kid makes a joyful nose. He laughs, he plays, he scampers, he clip-clops, and sometimes he screams like he's being torn limb from limb. Although I like the last one the least, that noise, like all his others, are uniquely G.
2. He is about 354,687,435,768,465,764 times more patient than I am. And about that much more charismatic than I am, as well.
3. He gives the sweetest kisses I have ever gotten. Sorry Erik.
4. The kid loves his trucks.
5. He eats whatever I put in front of him. Prime rib, creme brulee, sushi, bruschetta, quiche, or kale, he eats it. A lot of it. He is truly the easiest kid ever.
Happy birthday, sweet boy. You make the world a better place just by being in it!
Side note, if you don't have a close friend whose a photographer, you're missing out. If not for mine, 3 of these photos would not exist. I'll let you go ahead and guess which three. ;)
It's hard to believe that my sweet little G is already two! It seems like only yesterday he came screaming into my life. (Wait, pretty sure those screams were mine. Kidding. There was - remarkably - no screaming from anyone except the L&D nurse who was bound and damn determined to have me push out that 9.7 lb Thanksgiving turkey in 1 hour flat; though to her credit, she stayed late after her shift until the job was done.)
His short, but big life has been a whirlwind. He's traveled, he said goodbyes, he said hellos, he traveled some more. The kid has been to like 17 states or something insane like that - I think I was about 20 before I hit that mark. And 3 Hawaiian islands, of course, and I was WAYY older than 20 when I checked that block.
So for his birthday, or a few days late as it were, I was planning to offer up the 2 supremely awesome things about little G. Once I got here though, I realized I can't narrow it down to just two; but for the sake of my newly acquired readers (hey guys!), I decided I'll cap it at 5.
1. This kid makes a joyful nose. He laughs, he plays, he scampers, he clip-clops, and sometimes he screams like he's being torn limb from limb. Although I like the last one the least, that noise, like all his others, are uniquely G.
2. He is about 354,687,435,768,465,764 times more patient than I am. And about that much more charismatic than I am, as well.
3. He gives the sweetest kisses I have ever gotten. Sorry Erik.
4. The kid loves his trucks.
5. He eats whatever I put in front of him. Prime rib, creme brulee, sushi, bruschetta, quiche, or kale, he eats it. A lot of it. He is truly the easiest kid ever.
Happy birthday, sweet boy. You make the world a better place just by being in it!
Side note, if you don't have a close friend whose a photographer, you're missing out. If not for mine, 3 of these photos would not exist. I'll let you go ahead and guess which three. ;)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I Really Thought I Could Do Better
At blogging that is, but it's proving more difficult than expected. Perhaps that's because when I do have precious slice of spare time (during nap, mostly), I find it difficult to do much more than zone out by playing solitaire on my Kindle or watching West Wing. And by the way, I refuse to feel guilty about my nap time zone out. Most people get to eat lunch in relative peace, pee by themselves and have the ride home to decompress. I live where I work, and pee with an audience. Better moms might pick up the playroom but not this one, I need some me time.
But seriously, whoever said it's easy to be a stay at home mom and wife was obviously not one - or not giving it her damnedest. I'm not saying it's easy to be a working mom, I feel certain it isn't. I'm just saying I don't sit around eatin' bonbons all day. Does my husbands boss throw chairs at him when he's mad? Is he expected to wipe up his bosses bottom when he goes to the bathroom? No. I'm not comparing, I DO know I have a great deal going on here, but man alive, I never knew it would be this much work to stay home with a little person! I figured I'd at least have the energy to type a few paragraphs and pepper in some clever remarks. Wrong! I should have gotten into the habit when G was a baby, life seemed so much easier then (in retrospect, anyway...) But I desperately want to get to the point of regular entries. If not just for posterity's sake. It was one of my New Years resolutions (to blog at least 3x a week), but as you've noticed, I've clearly already failed. I failed at my other resolution - a picture a day for the month of January. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I dropped the ball on that one on January 1.
So here I am, publicly proclaiming my intention to start blogging a few times a week. And maybe it'll include photographs that I'll maybe start taking! We'll call this my mid-Jan resolution.
But seriously, whoever said it's easy to be a stay at home mom and wife was obviously not one - or not giving it her damnedest. I'm not saying it's easy to be a working mom, I feel certain it isn't. I'm just saying I don't sit around eatin' bonbons all day. Does my husbands boss throw chairs at him when he's mad? Is he expected to wipe up his bosses bottom when he goes to the bathroom? No. I'm not comparing, I DO know I have a great deal going on here, but man alive, I never knew it would be this much work to stay home with a little person! I figured I'd at least have the energy to type a few paragraphs and pepper in some clever remarks. Wrong! I should have gotten into the habit when G was a baby, life seemed so much easier then (in retrospect, anyway...) But I desperately want to get to the point of regular entries. If not just for posterity's sake. It was one of my New Years resolutions (to blog at least 3x a week), but as you've noticed, I've clearly already failed. I failed at my other resolution - a picture a day for the month of January. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I dropped the ball on that one on January 1.
So here I am, publicly proclaiming my intention to start blogging a few times a week. And maybe it'll include photographs that I'll maybe start taking! We'll call this my mid-Jan resolution.
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