There’s a Train Coming Nightly Called When All Is Said And Done

My family is still struggling with the loss of my Aunt Dona – and I know we will for quite some time. One of my cousins (from my other aunt) put it best when he said that we never realized how much we would miss her. And when we did it was too late. We should have had more time with her. My maternal grandfather also died in his fifties (my mom, and my aunts father) of emphysema. That’s two people from two separate generations of my family that died when they had only met middle age. Big eye-opener.

Never again make the mistake of thinking I have 70 more years on this Earth. For all I know I could die tomorrow. If I have learned anything it is that you NEVER know. Seriously Blogland, my aunt wrote on my facebook at 10AM her time and was gone by noon. She had NO idea she was in the last hours of her last day on Earth, and neither did we. And chances are, we’ll never get over the “should haves” and “would haves” and “if onlys”. As such, I have made it my personal mission to avoid the chances of having “should haves” and “if onlys” when faced with this situation next time. No longer will I harbor animosity toward people and situations that I can not change. No longer will I be (somewhat) miserly with money, carefully justifying all large purchases ultimately talking myself out of most of them, funneling all extra into savings for a “rainy day” (well, to an extent). No longer will I obsess about what I could have done or should have done differently in a situation that is past and I can’t change. There were be no more “I’ll get around to it’s” (only about fun things though, not lame things I wouldn’t mind not having done if I died tomorrow – Hahah!), or “somedays”. Because I may not have another day to get around to it.

I have made myself a bucket list and I’m going to complete it. Some items are abstract, things that I’ll have to work on every day. Some things are concrete – places to visit, things to do. And some things are complete lifestyle and attitude changes.

The aforementioned cousin posted the following on Dona’s wall and I think it not only sums her up perfectly but also sums up what her death taught him (and all of us). These are his goals – these are MY goals.

I want to be more like you. I want to love and support my family like you did. I want to be known for my work ethic like you were. I want to be reliable and consistent like you were. I want to be adored by my children like you are. I want to be loved by my spouse like you are. I want to leave the kind of mark on my community that would bring 600 people to my grave side on a week day with tears in their eyes to celebrate my life. You set an incredible example and left big shoes for all of us to fill. I will be a better man because of the life you lived and the inspiration I get from you... I will be a better person because of the life you lived and the inspiration I get form you.

Tomorrow is a big day as Erik takes his battery command. Hopefully my next post will be much more upbeat. :)

Back in the 808

I got home on Saturday afternoon. I had the brilliant idea to stay up all night Friday night (as I hadn't really adjusted to the time change anyway) and then sleep all the way home. I did end up cat-napping on the couch for a couple of hours but my plan worked just the same. I was only conscious for about the last hour and a half of my flight into Honolulu. I'm not saying I'll ever do that again, but it worked this time.

So home was good. It was great to see everyone, and I was able to drive myself from Oklahoma City to Cherokee (a good three hours) so that was amazing (no traffic on a 2 lane country road at midnight!), and of course there were plenty of Sonic drinks.

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I want a word that describes the feeling you get - a cold, sick feeling deep down inside - when you know something is going to happen that will change you, and you don't want it to but you can't stop it. And you know for the first time, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after, a was and a will be. And you will never again be quite the same person you were.
-Jennifer Donnelly

If Heaven Was An Hour It Would Be Twilight

This past Saturday started early for me with a morning call from my mom that my Aunt Dona (her youngest sister) had passed away suddenly in her home in Oklahoma. If you're my facebook friend, you've seen posts from my aunt; usually smart-assed, always funny. That's how she was. She was an original and we loved her deeply.

The next day I was on a 7AM flight into Oklahoma City, and at 2AM on Monday I was walking into a hotel room in Cherokee, Oklahoma. It's an awful reason to come home but I'm so glad I did. It was nice to see my family all together and I really needed a chance to say goodbye.

My Aunt Dona was a hell of a lady, as evidenced by the 600-ish people who came to her graveside service this morning. I don't think I've cried so hard in a very long time and I know my life won't quite be the same. She's gone too soon, it's tragic and I'm angry. My aunt and her husband had two kids, both of whom are getting married this year. It kills me that they have to do it without their momma, but it is what it is. As one of my other cousins said "I know God has infinite wisdom, but I'm having a hard time with this one".

Aunt Dona had just retired (though she was only 51) and started re-decorating her house, taking time for herself and starting to truly enjoy her life. She had reconnected with her extended family and I think we all kind of felt like we (my cousins and myself) were only just getting to know her as adults rather than as kids. We do know though that she was an original. A one-of-a-kind kind of lady and we are all better for having known her. Please pray for our family and all who loved her as this is a devastating loss for everyone.

"If heaven was a town it would be my town
On a summer day in 1985
And everything I wanted was out there waiting
And everyone I loved was still alive"-Andy Griggs

Or, as my Aunt Dona had on her facebook "Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting "Holy Sh*t what a ride!!!"

We miss you already Aunt Dona. I hope they have boats in heaven :)

Say hi to Peepaw for us.