Some Days

Some days I can't wait to get back to a real Army post, surrounded by people who "get" me, finding new members of our "Army Family" and getting back to the feeling of community that can only come from living around those in the same situation as you are.

And then some days, while listening to music, cooking supper in the kitchen and listening to Erik and the kids play or read in the living room I think "so this is what normal feels like... this could be okay, too."

Prior to living in Hawaii, I hadn't had any real "Army Wife" experiences. We married quickly after a deployment, lived at Ft. Drum for only a few months after that (and one of those months was block leave, so there was hardly any mandatory fun to be had) and then we were off to Ft. Sill for a course, so that wasn't exactly "real life" either. I find myself wondering, as our stint here in "purgatory" begins drawing to a close, if we're ever going to have the experiences we had in Hawaii again.

Am I going to draw near to women because our husbands are in harms way and we need each other to help raise the children and pass the time? Nothing builds friendship like that. Are we going to need friends around the holidays if we're closer than 1,000 miles from home? Nothing builds a community quite like that. Am I ever again going to have the feeling on Wednesdays like I did at Schofield Barracks? Wednesdays were the days they held memorial services for KIA's during the deployment. The feeling in the air those days was palpable. And uniquely military. I didn't enjoy the feeling, but I knew when I would cry as I saw the Honor Guard preparing outside, that all the others around me were also praying and crying for our fallen. There's community in that. Maybe what we had in Hawaii can't be replicated. Maybe, if it means more war, I don't want it to be.

I don't want to feel like an outsider to the Army anymore. I miss the camaraderie. I miss the community. But this weekend, I began feeling like a part of *this* community. Civilian life has always seemed so ordinary, so ... bland. Not like moving around the world and all the adventures that come along with that. But this weekend, talking with people who've lived in this town their whole lives, it didn't seem so bad.

I s'pose it's true that you always want what you don't have. It's just strange not to have either at this point.