Sometimes I feel like something is missing. It's usually when the house is quiet and I'm left with my own thoughts.
I'd equate it to that feeling right after you have a baby, that nervous pit feeling that you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess that's my own little version of the baby blues.
Could that be what this is, too? I'm calling it stagnancy, but maybe it's more of the blues. Is stagnancy a word?
The blues that I don't quite fit in here, no matter how I try to bend.
The blues that the fact is, I'm not that good at bending.
The blues that my babies keep growing no matter how hard I try.
The blues that my husband, through NO fault of his own, is growing up ahead of me. Education does that for a person, I think. And so does having stayed home with children for the last five years. We're doing really great, blogland, in case you think this is some sort of cry for help. He is embracing religion in a way that I'm not ready for, and he reads at night when I'm topping off the baby or too damn tired to focus on words on pages. It's not a big thing, but I'm aware of it and it's just something from this season of life that I want to remember for later. I just don't feel like I'm in a place of self-improvement right now, and he is.
The blues that this just really isn't the life I imagined when I was growing up and that maybe, just maybe, I'm not super thrilled about it all the time.
It occurred to me though that now that Nash is bigger and easier I don't have any more excuses to hide behind.
If I'm done having babies, now is the time to be the mom I want to be and the PERSON I want to be.
I can move on toward the person I ultimately want to be. Unencumbered by the hassles of having an infant. Yes, I have what seems like 100 very young children, but I don't want to be left holding a bundle of un-experienced plans when they leave home. Both for them and for myself.
Now is the time to finally come up with a cleaning schedule and be a little more organized and clean out that damn closet in the hall that barely shuts. You neighborhood girls know the one - the weird triangular one in the upstairs hallway. WHAT THE HECK?!
Now is the time to figure out who the hell I am in this phase of life.
But seriously, parents of mine, if you're reading this: I am NOT going back to work yet, so please stop asking. Dad.
I had the same feelings as your when V was about a year old or so. I felt stagnant. I started to run regularly, if anything just to be alone with my thoughts and it was the only time I was truly alone. I am still figuring who exactly I am meant to be - just know that you are not alone and these are common thoughts of those who are emerging from the trenches of motherhood.
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