The Pregnancy Diet

Should you find yourself wanting to lose a few pounds, I have a new, revolutionary diet for you!
1. Stop eating bacon and sausage because of the Nitrates.
2. Stop drinking beer because of the booze. And the carbs.
3. Get a stomach ache after you eat anything that isn't a salad, French Onion soup, yogurt, a clementine or a veggie sub from Subway (no cold cuts, either!)
4. Be utterly and completely disgusted by the smell of cooking meat. Insist on feeding your family pasta, quinoa or Subway takeout (remember, you can only have a veggie sub) until someone else steps up to cook.
5. If you're feeling especially motivated, go ahead and pick up one of the super awesome 10 day colds going around. Get a hacking cough and become so nauseated that you can't even eat an entire cup of the aforementioned yogurt before having to go lay down on the couch.


Now, as with any diet, you need to make some lifestyle changes as well. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Wake up every hour to pee. Wait 20 minutes before going back to sleep. If you happen to have bought yourself a Tempurpedic mattress before taking on this diet, your husband won't be disturbed (which means no sympathy, ladies!).
2. Take 4 ridiculously huge vitamins before you go to bed, because at least this way you can sleep through the free tummy ache they so graciously provide you with.
3. Stop doing housework. You are living on the edge of vomit after all, your family will understand. And if they don't, you know what to do.
4. Quit going to the gym. The childcare hours are only until 11 after all. Oh, and did I mention you need to have a healthy fear that if you move much before that time, the yogurt and clementine you had for breakfast will reappear? Don't worry though, after a few weeks of tummy aches, this fear develops all on it's own.


Want to just simulate the Pregnancy Diet?
Get a mild case food poisoning. That lasts for at least 14 weeks.




And yes. Yes I am...