More Feelings. More Failings.

Today I went to the kids school to do some work in the PTO office. As I was leaving, I saw Grant cross at the end of the hallway I was in and run outside for recess. I decided not to call to him, I didn't want to distract him or the teacher.

As I got to the end of the hall and turned left, I saw Piper standing in her class line waiting to go outside. She had yogurt on her face and what looked like marker on her Matilda Jane dress (NOT the one I had picked out for her today, which at the time seemed irritating because that meant today's dress would stay in the clothes sorter - LIKE THAT MATTERS.) and I waved to get her attention, but only her teacher saw me. And then she unloaded (I liken this to a drive-by) on me that Piper had been WILD today. This is not news to me, and I'm not mad at the teacher. Anyway, I got P's attention, told her hi, that I was there with PTO but her teacher and just said she was cray today and told her she needed to calm down if she wanted green. And then I said "Also, you need to wash you're face, you're a mess." AND I WALKED AWAY. In my defense, I thought the line was trying to move. When it didn't, I walked back and wiped her face for her.  And then I think I told her to calm down again? I don't even know.

You guys. I am simply missing the nurturing mother gene. If someone I love just walked up to me and told me what a fucking mess I am, IN FRONT OF MY CLASSMATES, and then walked away I'd be crushed.

Why did this not occur to me in the moment.

I remember Columbine.

I remember Virginia Tech.

I remember the tornado that took so many lives at Plaza Towers Elementary in Oklahoma.

After all of these incidents I vowed that I'd never send my children out into the world without a shower of love. If I could even find the courage to let them out into the world in the first place.

I remember the names of the children my friends and family have lost.

I remember all of those babies and their parents every time my kids hit a milestone. Especially Piper, as a high school friend lost her little one that should have been just Piper's age now.

I think of them, and I snatch my babies up for an extra hug and hide my tears.

But never when I'm in a hurry.

I'm gruff when I'm in a hurry.

Impatient.

Matter of fact.

And then when I get a moment to reflect, I kick myself thinking I can't believe I sent my kids out into the world with the memory of a tired, cranky, overwhelmed mom.

I have resolved, just now, in this moment to retrain my brain.

Grant deserved to know I was there, working, helping to make his school an even better place. And Piper deserved a hug. Because when she's wild, a hug, not the lecture is the answer.

I pray nothing happens to anyone before I get back to school to apologize.

Good thing there are like 175 more days of school for me to get this right.