Friends. Largely, I do not give a rats-ass about rank or how wives conduct themselves within the Army. My motto is generally "You do you, Boo Boo, and I'll decide if I want to be around that." But we need to talk about RSVP etiquette and other related matters that largely relate to the O wife. I am so tired of the inconsideration that I have been seeing within the spouse community that I could just scream. But that would be rude. (Is it less rude to dime people out on my blog? I'm not sure, but here we go.)
I'm going to assume for the purposes of this post that folks do NOT know what proper etiquette is so I'm going to enlighten them. There is no shame here now, I am NOT mad at anyone, but if you read this and then continue to act rudely, I will throw shade your direction. Because once you know, continuing to act this way is RUDE AF.
Here we go. Hold on to your hats.
Wait.
First, let me say, I hope you are attending your battalion coffees if they're offered. There is no reason not to. They are THE BEST part about Army life for spouses. I WOULD NOT DO THE ARMY, COULD NOT DO THE ARMY if it weren't for coffees. The friendships I have made through them are invaluable. The knowledge I have gained has been invaluable. Coffees are invaluable. Sure, the first few in a new place are awkward, but just swallow it and go. You'll be SO grateful.
Now then.
Now is the time to grab on to your hats. You're thinking hats. Listening hats. Comprehension hats. Whatever. Put it on and absorb this information.
1. If you receive any sort of invitation, you need to respond as soon as possible - whether the answer is yes or no. Why? Because it's polite. Should the host really need to reach out to every single person to determine their attendance? No. She's already doing all the work by hosting! But this is the only way to get an accurate headcount these days. Which is lame, because ain't nobody got time for that.
1A. This is evite specific because most groups use them now days. You need to respond to the Evite as soon as you know if you'll attend or not BECAUSE THE HOST CAN SEE IF YOU'VE READ THE EVITE AND JUST IGNORED IT. Big brother is watching you ignore your host. And it's... wait for it... RUDE. You don't need to respond the second you see it, but within a few days is preferred, and CERTAINLY before the reminder email goes out from Evite, because by then, homegirl has already gone to the grocery store.
2. If you say you're coming, please come. The host has added you to their headcount and bought food/drinks/paper goods/favors for you. In the case of a welcome or a farewell, the door fee that you have agreed to pay is now being counted on to put toward gifts. YOUR ATTENDANCE WAS REQUESTED, YOU SAID YOU'D GO, PEOPLE WANT TO SEE YOU.
3. Do NOT RSVP for someone else that wasn't on the guest list. There's a reason they weren't on it. Sometimes the guest of honor says she wants to cap the attendance at a certain number, or relegate invitees to specific groups. Sometimes Army protocol is a cruel mistress. Don't make it weird, yo.
So I'm sure you're thinking "Sheena... Where has this come from?"
Well.... I've been stewing for a few years TBH, but recently, a friend and I hosted a farewell for our husband's former battalion commanders wife (did you get all that?), as they were leaving command and Fort Stewart. It was NOT OUR JOB. Sometimes the Army has expectation of spouses, but in this case, this was not one currently put upon us. HOWEVER, we wanted to make sure it was done right and not drop it on the new senior spouses of the battalion the second they walked through the door, so we did it. Also, we LOVE the wife in question, so it was an honor to host for her.
Enter ALL THE RUDENESS. Someone who was unfamiliar with how these things work (invitation only...) arbitrarily invited her friend to come along. Okay, fine. Not exactly cool, but she wasn't a "usual" in the group, so I thought it might make her feel more comfortable to bring a friend. Then NEITHER of them came. Nor did 4 other people who RSVP'd yes - one who has a special diet which we planned for, and 2 others who were "maybe" up until 2 hours before the event was to start.
ONE of them reached out with an emergency and said she wasn't able to come. Because she was in the actual emergency room. And she has offered to pay her $10 door fee, which I declined because she was IN THE HOSPITAL.
Those people NOT coming cost my co-host and myself $80 in projected reimbursement and wasted food.
And this has happened to me before. When Erik was the XO of another battalion, it was my honor to throw a farewell for that commander's wife as well. People came that did not RSVP and then "forgot" cash to pay me for their food/gifts. They brought children to eat, that they didn't RSVP or pay for, regardless of the fact that the invitation clearly stated I would be paying the restaurant by the head. A few offered to paypal me, but no one ever did. These were spouses that "outranked" me, for the most part, so I am not just looking the way of young people here.
And in truth - it's not about the money. In both cases, I wanted to throw my friend a gorgeous farewell to thank them for their service and mentorship, and was going to go over budget regardless to make sure they felt the weight of my appreciation for all that had done for the spouses of their respective battalions.
It's about the fact that if EIGHT people didn't show up to every event that senior military spouses have to host, they'd be washing money down the drain like it was dish soap. It's rude. It's a waste of resources. It's disrespectful. DON'T DO IT.
Here are the takeaways:
1. RSVP. Yes or no. No is not rude. Ignoring people is rude.
2. Come if you say you will. Reach out if you can't make it.
That's it.
Are these not lessons for life? Be respectful and do what you say you're going to.
The end.
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