Full Disclosure: Life's Not Perfet

I've danced around the subject for awhile, but I'm just going to go ahead and admit it:

I don't like being a stay at home mom.

I don't find it validating. I don't find it freeing. And most of all, I don't find myself worthy of the task.

But here I am. A) Because Erik is gone so much, I feel like my kids need a very reliable, always available parent and B) Because I can barely stand to leave my kids with a babysitter once a month, never mind have to do it every day.

I know I should be grateful for the opportunity to stay home, and I am, but that doesn't make feeling stagnate any easier. It doesn't make answering "no," when asked if I work any less embarrassing. I miss working. I miss adults. I miss having great stories to tell (that aren't about poop). I miss being really, really good at something. I am not good at this.

And I'm bitter because Erik gets validation and he gets adult interaction and he gets to pee with the door shut and he has great stories (that don't involve poop) to tell me when he gets home from work. He is really, really good at his job.

And on top of "getting to go to" work, he goes to a men's fellowship group through our church on Tuesday nights. (Yes, they have one for women during the weekday, but I don't have a sitter and there aren't a ton of stay at home moms around here, so I suspect they're all older ladies.) Anyway, the other day I flipped my lid on him for going to men's group and leaving me with two screaming children who hadn't been bathed, that needed to be put to bed, and were still reeling from being vaccinated a few hours before, all while I was still trying to do the dinner clean-up. I told him it was unfair that he got to go out and have fun and stick me at home with the kids. "I need a break!" and he said that I should just say something when I need to get out and that he'd happily help accommodate me, "but you don't have anything to do." Well, I could sure as hell come up with something. How about the fact I'm in desperate need of new gym shoes, but I can't try any on with G in the stroller pulling down everything on whatever rack he can reach and P strapped to my front? Ever tried to try on shoes while sporting a Baby Bjorn? Don't. It pisses off your baby something fierce.

I stay home all the time because I don't have any outside hobbies, because I can't get out of the house to pursue anything. How am I supposed to develop any more outside friendships or hobbies when I can't get outside these four walls and (even though I have absolutely no reason to) feel guilty for every cent I spend.

I'm not a hermit by nature. But I don't feel like I'm swimming in options. I miss living on an Army base, and I miss being surrounded by people who are more like me. And I miss the 10,000 things to do in Hawaii. I like it here in Mayberry, but I really can't wait to leave.

Here's the cold, hard truth:
He thinks he's doing me a big favor by providing for our family so I can stay home with the kids. And he is. But I think *I* am the one doing the favor by actually staying home. I am NOT cut out for this, I never was, I never wanted to be. I do wish I was, though. I pray for it. I try for it. I pretend like it. But I'm not. I need an effing outlet or my head is going to pop off. My kids deserve better than an angry, frazzled, frustrated, rigid bitch of a mom who stomps around all the time expecting perfection. Okay, maybe I'm not that bad, but I sure feel like I'm getting close.

So...
I think I'm going to take up running. That has to help a person blow off steam, right? Too bad it's already 30 damn degrees outside and I can only go to the gym on weekends. And I need new shoes.