And the Earth Stood Still: December 22, 2005

For a couple of months Erik had been hinting to me about what he bought me for Christmas.

• It was small
• Made mostly of metal
• He would only ever buy one for me
• Very gender specific

My friends and mom swore, but I didn't think so.

We had never even discussed marriage apart from a singular conversation during an episode of Animal Cops when it was decreed that when we get a pet we should get it from the pound. And once when we were in the early stages of dating when he said he wouldn't wear a wedding ring and I said I wouldn't marry someone who refused. That was it. "People discuss these things to death now-a-days, don't they?" I thought.

When I arrived at his apartment at Ft. Drum for a 16 day visit over Christmas, I waited until he went to work that next day and searched around a little. No dice. Oh well. Marriage was too scary. I was too young. And all the other "toos."

The next day we went to dinner and I told him I thought we should open our personal gifts to each other before heading to his parents house the following day. He said he didn't think so (even though we'd already discussed it beforehand). We got home, and I was pissed. I am a terrible gift giver and was a broke college student, and I didn't want my meager gifts broad casted in front of his family that I didn't know very well. Plus, I just like opening presents.

Finally he agreed. And he gave me a box.

It was definitely small. And light.

I unwrapped it. Moved the tissue and found a tiny pink Swiss Army Knife.

I was relieved and disappointed. I said "This is what you've been giving me hints about?!" (and it did fit all the hints...)

And when I looked up he was on his knee with a ring and said "No, this is."

And proposed.

Apparently I looked like a dear in headlights but somehow managed to squeak out a yes.

Over the next 18ish hours I tried desperately to reach my mom who was skiing in Colorado. I couldn't feel good about announcing the news to Erik's family if I couldn't tell my own mom! Finally, on the way to Erik's parent house she called me back. She was excited and asked to talk to Erik. I guess she asked him if I cried and when he said no, she asked to speak to me again and immediately asked me if I was sure.

The truth then was that I wasn't. I had spent an hour on instant messenger with my best friend the night before after Erik was asleep. Marriage was scary for this child of (multiple) divorce(s). I wasn't sure I'd be a good wife to him. I wasn't sure I was wife material for anyone. I couldn't iron. I couldn't cook. No. I wasn't sure at all. (yes, I know how silly all this sounds now. At the time though, not knowing how to cook seemed like a mountain that could never be climbed.) I wasn't unsure of him, I was unsure of myself. But he was sure and that counted for something. That counted for a lot.

Most importantly, I am definitely sure now.